The Art of Mindfulness as a Supportive Intimate Partner of a Man with Prostate Cancer on Androgen Deprivation Therapy
Creative Outlets
I love to write and I have been doing a lot of it lately. But the other side of my brain as a marketer needs to create evocative imagery too. It's part of my creative process so I present to you this collage. Look at all the women. Aren't they wonderful? I wonder what all of them are thinking...I dubbed it, "For all the Mermaids," because each woman in the photo representing, past, present, and future is unique, powerful, important, seeking, and able to change the world in her own way. The eldest in the photo is receiving a reward and ethereally she is represented as "The Mermaid" because she is the wisest amongst them. You can see that, can't you?
Women Can Not Do It All We women are amazing, but what I have realized is that we can only be as good as our support system allows us to be. We can hustle at work, be the super mom, keep a clean house, and all the other things... and we do tremendous things. But as women, we do everything for others and very often leave no time to recharge our own batteries. It makes me angry and it's not fair and as women, we need to do better.
Pressure Cooker of Prostate Cancer
As the wife of a man going through prostate cancer, this has gotten harder for me because everything is more difficult when your person is not available emotionally, physically, or sexually. I often feel alone and have realized, like it or not, that my life's circumstances are teaching me the Art of Mindfulness. I have to learn it now or I won't be able to cope with regular life stuff or any major life event that happens to occur during treatment. Additionally, I must learn to budget my energy and empathy so that I can show up for him now, more than ever because he deserves that. I have to balance being a good wife, and all the normal stressors as well as help him to manage his illness and emotions too because cancer is still here, and the reality of his mortality on its own is a lot to deal with.
Here are five things I have learned that help. You can start doing them today to get more balance in your life so that you can practice the Art of Mindfulness as a Supportive Intimate Partner of a Man with Prostate Cancer on Androgen Deprivation Therapy.
- Give Yourself Grace - you would never expect so much of someone else but look at all that you have heaped on your plate. Give yourself the grace to say, "This is hard."
- Learn to Breathe - not just in and out to survive but find a guided breathing program that will help you reach our center. Commit to the practice and lean on it often. These really help.
- Realize that Your Relationship Will Look Different - as an intimate partner of a man with prostate cancer on hormone therapy you won't be able to have the full relationship dynamic you once shared. That's temporary and it vacillates as the hormones course his veins. Sometimes you will need to lower your expectations regarding how he is able to show up emotionally in the relationship so that he is not overwhelmed. My husband and I have found that quantifying how he is doing before I try to speak to him is key. "What's your number," has become my new "hello" to him. If his number is two he needs a nap. If it's four, often a snack or meal will help and if he rates his mental and physical acuity a six or above, usually we can have a productive conversation.
- Find Someone You Can Be Vulnerable Around - Remember at the start of this blog I talked about how busy women are and how they feel as if bosses and family members expect the world of them? American culture does not often honor vulnerability and many people do not know what to do when it is expressed to them. This reality presents a challenge when you are trying to unpack your new prostate cancer spousal stressors to your friends. It's A LOT for any woman to handle and you can't expect them to know what to say. There are some women who will understand what you are going through and meet your vulnerability with the same level of compassion, such as close family members or medical professionals who have experience with prostate cancer, but if you can't find that person, please seek a life coach or therapist.
The difficulty in finding someone to vent to and feeling alone is compounded by the fact that our men's doctors don't warn us what is to come and no therapist seems to specialize in supporting intimate partners of men diagnosed with prostate therapy, specifically. Find a therapist or life coach anyway, as they can help you navigate these odd times. They may not know all the details about this unique treatment plan, but if they can offer just one method to cope you will be better off. Keep searching until you find the person who can help you the most. You may need several people to fulfill all your needs and that is totally fine. Just be sure you aren't venting to a man who may be looking for cracks in your marriage. - Don't Be Afraid to Tell Him You Need a Break - This is one that I have had to learn to do better very recently. Instead of telling him he is driving you crazy, packing a bag, getting in your car, and upsetting your husband who is dealing with cancer fears and an odd bag of new emotions much like that of a jealous and insecure thirteen-year-old girl, try something like this instead, "I am going to go to my friend's house/beach/mountain today by myself in order to relax and recenter myself so that when I can return I can be a better wife to you."
Shannon Joy Mekeel’s first book was inspired by her husband’s prostate cancer diagnosis and androgen deprivation therapy. It is entitled You Have Arrived and will be released in fall 2023 and is now available for pre-sale at ShannonJoyMekeel.com.
The companion documentary, Hurry Back will debut April 2024 at the inaugural Redfish Film Fest in Historic Downtown Panama City. This 12-part series tells the story of her family’s struggles and victories over the past century.
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