July 28th, 2023
Tony was diagnosed right before Christmas. We usually travel back to Illinois to visit his family and in 2022, this year would be no different. The Christmas season is always a difficult time to travel, but our flights to the family farm and back again would prove to be especially challenging in 2022. Between all the chaos and changing of plans that week Tony didn't find the right time to tell his siblings about his diagnosis. Christmas should be a happy time and this was not happy news.
So, over the course of the first weeks of the new year he told each of his four siblings the news on the phone without me in the room. I never knew what he told his siblings about his diagnosis or the depths of which he could iterate the realization of his own mortality. Megan, his oldest is a nurse in charge of a hospital network in Chicago so she been a great source of information and referrals for Tony. Since the diagnosis, I have had little conversation with any of them. I often wondered in the early part of this year if that meant they were in some way angry with me, as if some things that I had shared on social media made me seem like a bad wife in their eyes. Tony confessed that on more than one occasion they thought that things I posted seemed irregular and that I seemed uncaring toward my husband. In the months that have passed, I care less and less about what his family or mine, or anyone for that matter thinks of how I am dealing with life these days.
How could any of his family know what life has been like in our home? Androgen Deprivation Therapy commenced in January and Tony started having hot flashes. He would get tired after them and most days his energy wafted from 50 - 80% so he could still work in his home office and be productive. His ability to be a good soldier, even when he is not one-hundred percent defines him in many ways. He is a hard working farm boy from rural Illinois and he was not going to let cancer keep his from pulling eight or even ten hour shifts. That was his norm, but in the face of being diagnosed with cancer, his norm was not sitting well with me.
Tony would work and sleep and wake up the next day and do the same thing. In-between I would work from home, cook and clean and he was always negative and depressed. He didn't seem to appreciate the things I did for him but I shrugged it off and tried to take care of him. This went on for three months and soon I grew to be jealous of his job. He could rally for them but not for me and I knew he couldn't continue with his demanding work schedule that was taking all of this energy and time.
Meanwhile, our youngest, Wyatt was about to graduate high school. His grades were not good, I felt like he had zero ambition and he wanted to spend more and more time with his friends. During this time Wyatt started getting very angry and disrespectful with me. This was not normal for him as he had been very respectful in his teens. He was facing some tough things too however. During Covid Wyatt stayed home for school his Freshman - Junior years due to health risks. Wyatt didn't get the chance to assimilate to high school, make friends, and rebel...the stuff that teenagers are supposed to do. For Wyatt, it simply was not worth the risk for him to get the virus so he did online school.
That was because back in the summer of 2019, when he was fifteen, right before he was supposed to start his Freshman year, we found out that Wyatt had an undiagnosed congenital heart defect that would need to be surgically repaired. His prognosis is now excellent but with all the uncertainty about the Covid-19 virus we had to be overly cautious regarding exposure, so at 18 our six-foot one senior was very immature. Socially he was still a freshman and he had no goals or a plan after high school. That bothered me.
Wyatt was only five when his Dad and I divorced. I am not sure if he remembers his very anticlimactic fifth birthday on July 13th, 2009. We combined it at the last minute with a friend's daughter's party and his Dad didn't come. It was a sad day for me and for the boys but we made the best of it. When he was almost eight, I introduced the boys to Tony and his eight birthday was spent in St Augustine seeing the sights and altogether being spoiled by this new and Amazing Man who had just rescued us from a flood.
The boys' Dad was simply unavailable for about eight years. He didn't pay child support, so Tony paid the bills. He didn't call so Tony tried to love them harder. He didn't seem to care, so I tried desperately to broker a relationship with him for the boys. There were very few visits or phone calls for many years as their Dad struggled with alcoholism. Despite their father's absence all three of our boys seem to turn out alright. In the spring of 2023 it was all about Wyatt making this transition into adulthood and we all held our breath that he would have enough credits to graduate.
Somehow, Wyatt pulled it off. That was a good day and during that same time frame, I had an epiphany that it might just work out that Tony and I could (almost) be empty nesters, especially with Androgen Deprivation Therapy starting to really effect Tony in new and more profound ways.
It also occurred to me that I wasn't a bad mom for wanting Wyatt to move in with his Dad. Our oldest, Garrett moved from Florida to Boston to take a job there in the fall of 2022, and our middle son, Logan who works full time and goes to school, still lives with us and is very compliant and helpful...but Wyatt, he makes himself known when he enters the room and he requires ENERGY. I know that is what people say about me, too. God bless him for it!
I am not ashamed to admit that after a few months of being married to prostate cancer I dreaded when Wyatt would walk into the room. I was on the edge already, trying to predict what Tony would need from moment to moment. I will say this again, because it is an important distinction, I was not Tony's caregiver, I was his wife. It is and always has been my job to connect with my husband on his channel; to be his sounding board and accountability partner, and I never before realized how much energy and attention it takes to do that well. Now, not because of the the prostate cancer, but because of the Androgen Deprivation Therapy, his channel kept changing and I was engrossed on listening through the static.
Combine that challenge with Wyatt's big baby energy, and I felt like I might lose my mind. I wasn't being a good mom to any of them and I wasn't being a good wife. I was barely able to focus on work and by the end of the day I was spent. Working from home has it's advantages but at this point in my life, I would have appreciated nothing more than being in another environment for eight hours a day.
I simply needed a break from something...so I asked my ex, who has been sober for two years and who finally (hallelujah and thank you, God) has a decent job and is FINALLY paying child support, if he would like to have the chance — at long last — to have a relationship with his son. My ex jumped at the chance and so did his parents, whom he lives with in Boise, Idaho.
Wyatt was reluctant to move, although I could tell he knew that his other home in Idaho to be an excellent option. The downside for him was that he had just finally, for the first time in three years, made good friends. Despite Tony's objections, Joel and I both knew that a change of scenery would be good for Wyatt and for me.
Joel put in a good word for Wyatt at the drug and alcohol rehab center where he works, and I was overjoyed to learn that the kid finally got his first job in food service. He loves it and he's good at it. Every time we call Wyatt he is happy to be there and he is enjoying the summer months hiking, camping, and going to the gym.
By all accounts, our not so little boy is thriving in Idaho, and after he left, I felt fifty pounds lighter. I was able to be a little better version of the wife Tony needs, and things were not as overwhelming. The decision to send Wyatt to Idaho was made with love and it couldn't have come at a better time...for any of us.
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Shannon Joy Mekeel’s first book was inspired by her husband’s prostate cancer diagnosis and androgen deprivation therapy. It is entitled You Have Arrived and will be released in fall 2023 and is now available for pre-sale at ShannonJoyMekeel.com.
The companion documentary, Hurry Back will debut April 2024 at the inaugural Redfish Film Fest in Historic Downtown Panama City. This 12-part series tells the story of her family’s struggles and victories over the past century.
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