SEX - The Cream on the Cake

August 21st, 2023

So, you may have noticed that thus far I have not mention sex in regards to our prostate cancer treatment journey. This is certainly not because sex is not important to me and my husband or not because it has not been a challenge for us, because it has been. The reason I have yet to mention sex is because in the grand scheme of things, as a woman, it is not as important as mental compatibility. For men, sex is the most important thing. I get that. But for women it is less so. 

Men look at their sexual conquests, ability, size, frequency, quantity, and quantity as something that defines them as a man. They think these things are as important to their partner as they are to them, but in reality sex is just the cream on the cake. For women sex is fine and good but we don’t let sex or the lack of it define us or our man or our relationship. It is secondary to quality time, kindness, laughter, having a reciprocal conversation, enjoying a good meal together, date night, a wink, a slap on the ass when you come into the room, dancing together in the kitchen, and deep philosophical conversations. For women, these building blocks build a relationship and sex is the celebration of all (or some) of these things. It is the cream on the cake, but a cake can be very delicious without cream at all. 

While undergoing treatment my man stopped being able to do all of the aforementioned things that define us as a couple, and sex instead of them might have been nice but because of his therapy (radiation, brachytherapy and androgen deprivation therapy) he was often in too much pain or unable to get an erection and that was okay. But, what I kept reminding him was that in lieu of sex, I needed to connect with him to feel centered. When I tried to over analyze his thoughts and insecurity, it sent us into a death spiral of us both being insecure and that was unfamiliar territory. What worked better was for us to be apart, at times. What worked best for us was to stop talking because our conversation was not building intimacy but tearing it down and making things worse. I encourage you to journal and sometimes, when appropriate, share how you are feeling with your partner. Have them reread your journal as often as is necessary.

We went to a yoga retreat together, something he may have never done prior to diagnosis, but he was as desperate as I was to connect on a deeper level. What we found at Sacred Sessions was a community of kind and real people who taught us breathing techniques, meditation, and tools that helped us both recenter and find peace when we needed it most…and we got to laugh at the baby goats together. That was epic. 

 

Sex during this treatment is not impossible, however and it does help build intimacy and more importantly, confidence in your husband’s ability to feel like a man during this difficult time. So, I recommend using every tool at your disposal to help with this process. I hadn’t used sex toys in over a decade and was very surprised at how far they have come when I went shopping. When we celebrated our ten year anniversary, more than two weeks late, because prostate cancer treatment robbed us of that day, I showed up to our favorite restaurant with a gift bag for both of us. Inside that bag was a toy for him and one for me. He was surprised at my purchase but not altogether disappointed either. We were both curious about how these things could help us in the bedroom. What we spoke about at dinner that night was that there is no shame in using sex toys and we were really not all that prude. Sex toys are pretty mainstream now too, as I found them when I was at the International Plaza in Tampa. Honey Birdette was a classy place and the associate was very helpful. 

What we discovered was that these toys are a way to make things happen when they otherwise might not, and for me I could take some time to myself without him being in the know that I needed an orgasm, which I knew may make him feel insecure. We play together in-between invasive treatments and it’s a way for us to be close even if an erection is not possible.

About a week after brachytherapy which is an amazing procedure that injects targeted radiation into the prostate gland, Tony was feeling better, meaning it didn’t hurt as bad when he peed. I missed him but in the way you miss an old friend you don’t have sex with. I missed his mind and our connection and being close would be the best we could do that day. I just wanted to feel close and as I held him I cried about how tough this was for both of us and found myself vocalizing how I felt. Through that embrace we found ourselves making love prior to when his doctor recommended we should try, but it happened so organically and the results were so mind blowing that we could not stop. What I want to relay to you, Dear One, is that sex while undergoing treatment is possible and it can be very good, but it is not necessary. What is necessary is communication…of some sort. That will get you through to eat cake another day, perhaps with all the cream you would both desire. 

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Shannon Joy Mekeel’s first book was inspired by her husband’s prostate cancer diagnosis and androgen deprivation therapy. It is entitled You Have Arrived and will be released in fall 2023 and is now available for pre-sale at ShannonJoyMekeel.com.

The companion documentary, Hurry Back will debut April 2024 at the inaugural Redfish Film Fest in Historic Downtown Panama City. This 12-part series tells the story of her family’s struggles and victories over the past century.